There are three things in life that I truly adore. God. My Mother. Sweet Tea. (and the third one is subject to change by the day)
I just finished a conversation with my mom and, like the many times before, I realize that she says the funniest stuff! Sometimes I feel like it’s an inside joke where I forgot the punchline, and other times I feel like I should have a pen and notepad to document her priceless wisdom. Today’s post includes 23 of my mother’s moments.
1. Baby, you better get inside. It’s storming here in Mississippi. (when I lived in the Midwest)
Translation: The weatherman says that a storm is heading your way. Although I do not know the traveling speed of the storm, I suggest that you get inside, in preparation of the storm.
2. Class yourself.
Translation: You are no better than anyone else, but you cannot do everything that everyone else does.
3. You don’t believe fat meat is greasy.
Translation: I can show you better than I can tell you.
4. Keep on.
Translation: This is your final warning.
5. You did it for me!
Translation: Let us celebrate this moment of you making me proud.
6. You’re just now getting up? Honey, I’ve been up!
Translation: The early bird catches the worm. You cannot expect to be productive if you sleep late.
7. The phone rings. She crosses her legs before answering.
Translation: I have reviewed the name on the caller ID and this is about to be a wonderful conversation!
8. Do you have lemon juice?
Translation: If you intend to beat this sore throat or cold or headache, take a shot of lemon juice.
9. Take a teaspoon of vinegar and it will turn that right down.
Translation: Stomach bug? Vinegar will get rid of that.
10. A-huh! You better shake some trees in that field. We ain’t rich.
If I asked my mother to borrow major money, she would laugh and say this phrase. Translation: The amount in which you speak of is far beyond realistic requests. I suggest that you get rid of things that you really don’t need and work for what you want.
11. Have none?
When she fixes her dinner plate before everyone else, she’ll sit in front of you and ask this question. Translation: It’s time to eat, and clearly you have no intention of going in the kitchen to fix your own plate. Therefore, I will sit here and enjoy my meal until you feel the need to join in the meal festivities.
12. You received a Christmas card from the insurance man.
Translation: I have opened all mail with your name on it, since you are no longer a resident of this address. It is easier for me to tell you about your mail than wait for you to travel home and read it yourself.
13. Oh, let me tell you about my dinner today. I cooked sweet potatoes, cornbread, etc.
Translation: I think that it is time for you to visit.
14. Don’t nobody want that cheap bacon.
Translation: You should have purchased Wright Bacon. How dare you attempt to cook turkey bacon in my home?
15. Not enough to shake the dust off.
Translation: That earthquake wasn’t strong enough to shake dirt from the road. We didn’t realize that it happened.
16. You sound full.
Translation: The joy in your voice sounds as if you hunger for nothing.
17. He’s the sorriest thing that ever sh*ted.
Translation: The caliber at which he performs is not worth speaking of.
18. He ain’t got cat sense.
Translation: He does not behave in a manner that will lead me to believe that he has common sense.
19. You know more than 40 lawyers.
As kind as this statement seems, it is no compliment. Translation: Although you will never have the educational backing of 40 lawyers, you falsely display the talents and skills of someone who has successfully passed the Bar Exam in at least 40 states.
20. Now you know I raised you better than that!
Translation: If this conversation is headed where I think it’s headed, you better figure out a way to show me that you have some common sense.
21. I had you. You didn’t have me!
Translation: The level of respect that you are displaying at this moment, reveals that you have forgotten that I am the parent and you are the child.
22. I put together a quilt top today. It has little *insert any animal here* on it.
Translation: I can give this handcrafted quilt to someone else, but it would be nice to give it to your children one day…hopefully sooner than later.
23. Pray and let the Lord guide you.
Translation: <None needed>
Love you Mommy!
K. Jones ♥