Today is a day of feeling less than. Not in an extremely saddening way, but in a real life, bucket list checking moment. Everyone’s vulnerable. However, I am not comfortable in my moments of vulnerability.
Hearing of other’s accomplishments doesn’t bother me. In fact, I applaud them. What I am referring to is deeper than an award, a degree, or a blue ribbon. I am at the age where questions are tossed my way, full speed. Mostly surrounding topics of marriage and children. The crazy thing is that they come from random people, and not my family members and closest friends. Honestly, I think my family gave up on those questions a couple of months/years ago. They have since resorted to simply adding me to their prayer lists…which I’d much rather prefer over a stranger’s social probing.
You see, my bucket list has always included feelings and not things. Feeling the sun on my face as I enjoy a picnic in the pasture…feeling the raindrops as I play in street puddles…although enjoying the feeling of a winning lotto ticket wouldn’t hurt. I couldn’t care less about the latest designer this or that, or the amount spent on a fancy meal while visiting a top restaurant. My list surrounds feelings: love, appreciation, calm, security, little worry, and extremely less amounts of doubt.
Love alone, encompasses family and friends. However, there are moments of vulnerability where I feel less than in this area. I love my family. I love my friends. But what about my family? You know, the one that comes with spouse and maybe the dog… *sigh*
In these moments, there’s really nothing that I expect others to do or say. Simply bear with me, as I vent via this post, expressing a few of my satisfaction based internal struggles. It’s a part of my everlasting desire for more, in the midst of realizing how blessed I am to be in the place that I am.
K. Jones ♥